I Nailed It!

What has it been, 4 months? Give or take. I remember calling my buddy, Luke, and saying “Hey, I have this great idea, why don’t we start a blog on DIY failures? I will write a blog a week … blah blah blah.”

I have a tendency of coming up with grand schemes, and then not following through. Like that elliptical in our spare bedroom, my big ideas get about two weeks of heavy use, and then it is all over.

I even did the projects, folks. I did three or four different things, all which were failures in their own right. I took pictures, and loaded them on the computer. And then … nothing. I did nothing with it.

Well, not today. I am going to show you one of the projects I have been working on, and let you beat me soundly with your criticism, because I deserve it.

Workout tees for hot people:

You know those crappy t-shirts you get at sporting events–the ones that are made with room for four? I always end up with six of those by the end of a sport season, and they are way too big to wear in public. Sure, you can wear them to bed, but how many OU nightshirts do you really need?

So, I came up with the grand idea of cutting up the t-shirt in a “cute” way to wear to the gym. I can’t sew, so anything too complicated was out. After some google surfing, I found this link, which detailed how to cut up a shirt with no sewing involved.

The first sign of danger should have been the shirt that was featured on this Website, which said something about eating more “Rabbit Food.”

I don’t really do rabbit food. Sometimes I eat salad, with dressing and lots of meat and cheese piled on top, which kind of defeats the purpose. My husband sometimes makes me eat green peppers and broccoli, and I survive.

Anyway, the girl making this shirt definitely is a different breed of gal than I am, but I decided to give it a try anyway.

What You Will Need:

-1 T-shirt, preferably something large
-1 pair of scissors capable of cutting through fabric

How it went down:

The first step had you cutting off the sleeves, and then some, and I was quick to notice that I had the cutting skills of first grader with the safety scissors. I blame my left handedness, but it is probably just a sign that I am bad at all things crafty.

It took me 20 minutes just to cut off one sleeve. Things were not looking good.

All my cuts were super ragged. I don’t really know if different scissors might have made the difference, but it definitely hindered the overall look.

I would detail each step, but honestly, she does a pretty good job of detailing step by step what you are supposed to cut off, which would suggest that it is idiot-proof, but that is obviously not the case …

When I finally finished all the steps, I wasn’t really sure what I had, so I threw it on. The results, well, they didn’t blow my hair back. The shirt definitely didn’t look cute or “sexy” like the Website promised, but I don’t exactly look like Miss Rabbit Food Girl anyway.

Who has poor t-shirt cutting abilities–this girl.

I tried to do a cute flex pose like that girl did, but it just doesn’t look the same … Sigh.

In retrospect, the shirt isn’t so bad–it has been several months since I did this project, and it is looking better and better every time I wear it (yep, another jab at the fact I waited 4 months to write something).  It works (kind of), and I wear it to the gym. That’s more out of spite though, than anything else. I’ll be damned if I’m going to spend two hours hacking up a t-shirt, only to throw away the end product.

I say, give it a try. It wasn’t a total fail, and more capable hands could probably do wonders.

I knew my journalism background would come in handy some day.

I just knew it.

I was pretty sure I knew it.

Those old clips I had kept of my work as a journalist got some use today … on my nails.
After perusing Pinterest for cool nail ideas that looked possible for the average human, I finally found this post, where printed words would get transposed onto your nails using alcohol.

What you’ll need:

You like that cheap vodka? I like to keep things classy.

-Newspaper clippings (enough for all 10 fingers)

-Base coat of fingernail polish

-Clear finish coat of fingernail polish

-Some kind of alcohol (vodka is recommended)

-Hair dryer (if you are an impatient freak like me)

-Fingers

Here’s how it went down:

Ok, so I didn’t really cut up my portfolio for nail art, but I did think about it. Instead, I found some old newspaper in my garage–I didn’t want you all to think I was THAT cynical about my professional roots.

I first painted my nails a pretty neutral color, so that the text had a better chance of popping–I used the base coat of a french manicure kit. Since I have little patience for things like letting my nails dry, I used my hair dryer to aid in the process.

In fact, I rarely ever paint my nails, since I usually get bored waiting for them to dry and start touching stuff and ruining them.

I hate to waste booze, but it was for a higher cause.

After they were painted and what I considered dry, I dipped each finger in vodka (the shot glass proved to be the perfect amount) and pushed a small square of newspaper on to them.

I have to add, it occurred to me midway through the process that I didn’t want clips of mass murders or carjackings on my nails, so I had to neurotically look through all of the little pieces of newspaper to make sure nothing negative was decipherable–who wants that negativity on her nails all day?

After the crisis of having crime plastered on my nails for a week was averted, I put clips of newspaper on each finger of my right hand.

I think I should have just left it this way. It looks great.

Gross.

After a few seconds, I peeled off the newspaper, and … ah shit. I quickly figured out I did NOT let the nails dry long enough, because newspaper was getting all imbedded into the polish.

I decided it wasn’t so bad, after all, I could just try to cover it up with the clear top coat, so I continued on to the other hand.

The thumb still had some newspaper stuck to it, but the rest of the nails didn’t have that problem.

This time, when I peeled of the newspaper, it didn’t stick, but it didn’t look as vibrant either. In fact, I think I prefer the way the plastered on newspaper looks versus the way it was actually supposed to work.

After I pulled off all the newspaper, I covered each nail with a clear top coat, then blasted them with the hair dryer again, and tada! I was done.

I think it looks pretty cool.

Verdict:

I think I am going to call this one a success. It isn’t as vibrant as I hoped, but it still looks pretty cool, and it was pretty easy–even for me. That and my track record so far hasn’t been too great, so I will take a win when I can get it.

You also get a shot of alcohol to drink when you’re finished, because hey, waste not want not. Just kidding. Please don’t drink the vodka you were dipping your fingers in. That’s pretty disgusting.

And it tastes terrible too.

Give it a try, and let me know if it works for you!

The pictures make it look so easy and awesome!

Already, I have failed miserably at keeping the entries coming. Sorry. I suck.

Now that I got that off of my chest, I feel like I can write about my latest project, *ahem* FAILURE. I was really geared up for this one. I found this Website on Pinterest, and I thought, “Heck ya, paint craft time!”

I should have known when I actually went to the Website to find the directions, and they were all in Hungarian, that it was not the craft for me. I was not to be deterred though. I tried google translator (this is what identified the language for me; for all I knew, it could have been Vulcan.) However, the translation didn’t seem legit: google translator tried to tell me this had something to do with vegetables and chalk. While I am no craft expert, I wasn’t buying it.

My next course of action was to try and guess what the directions were, based on the pictures; they were, after all, pretty descriptive.

Here’s what I came up with, all on my own, for directions:

You will need:

-3 different bright acrylic paint colors

-3 different canvas mats to paint on

-1 can of metallic spray paint (your choice of color)

-Assorted plant life

-1 can of adhesive spray

-Wedged foam paint brushes
.

OK, so I didn’t REALLY need that orange owl vase, but it was 30% off …

I decided what I needed, I happily ran to Hobby Lobby, unaware of the carnage ahead. Sidenote: Hobby Lobby is like crack to me. I go in there, and it’s like I suddenly feel like Degas. I got tricked last time into buying oil crayons, and pastel chalks—I was convinced I was going to make an awesome portrait of a butterfly. It ended up looking like a small, inattentive child did it while blindfolded (it wasn’t even good enough to give to my great grandmother, who would probably love literally anything I make, despite how poor the artistry is). Pretty sure I threw that one away … Anyway …

My cart quickly had what I needed in it, although it had some stuff that I didn’t need in it, too.

I have to also point out that I am an anxious shopper. I agonize over price, and will repeatedly put things back on the shelf, only to put them back in my cart again. This happened several times during this trip.

I decided to get tissue paper for a backup project … worst idea ever

I ended up deciding I was going to make my own canvas board (in the form of cardboard boxes I had stacked up in my garage), so I instead decided to spend the extra money I had budgeted on a “back-up” craft.

Expert tip: If you are already prepping yourself for failure by having a back-up craft, you probably are not destined for success.

By the end of the trip, I had one orange owl vase, stuff I actually needed for my craft, and back-up craft materials in my cart–then, it was time to head home.

How it went down:

What, cutting cardboard is difficult? Who knew?

Step 1: Paint your canvas sheets with your bright acrylic paints

This is where it all went wrong for me. I made the fatal error of being a cheapskate. I quickly discovered it was actually really flippin hard to cut years old cardboard boxes into the exact size and shape that you want them to be. Let’s also not forget that cardboard often has those weird ridges in them, which wasn’t a great texture for this project.

Do me a favor: Don’t be like me. Buy the canvases.

I’m an artist!

Step 2: Glue the plants to the painted canvas

This step also proved very difficult for me. Surprise surprise, spray adhesive is really sticky. No matter what I did, I kept spraying glue all over myself AND the plant, so it was very difficult to position the plant without ripping off the leaves and gluing my fingers together.

Also, it was very windy outside, and bits of debris and dirt kept sticking to my fingers and clothes (the glue got EVERYWHERE).

You also want to be sure you pick plants that will lie flat on canvas well.

I kind of had slim pickin’s, since its February, but I worked with what I had (the one house plant I haven’t killed yet).

Step 3: Spray paint the canvas

I am starting to realize I messed up pretty much every step, one way or the other. It started with the can I chose at the store. I figured I didn’t need a large can of paint (that cheapskate mentality strikes again), so I got a little baby can. Apparently, I didn’t read the directions closely enough, because it took me about 15 minutes just to figure out how to get the can open. I finally noticed there were words on the top of the lid that said something about a flathead screwdriver and a “handle.”

Now I don’t know what “handle” means to the paint makers, but I saw no “handle.” I saw a hole on the side of the lid, that I kept trying to stick the screwdriver into, but nothing was happening except that I was destroying the lid.

Eventually, I got the dang thing open, and started spraying away, when I quickly realized I did NOT have enough paint, so I did a really crappy coat on all three canvases.

I really like the spots where the cardboard shows through. Also the little bits of glue that will probably collect dirt. And the crooked edges. I love it all!

Step 4: Peel the plants off

Once the paint is dry, you are supposed to be able to peel those bad boys off of the canvas and voila! Beautiful art!

This is where all my mistakes added up to one mediocre art project. One of the plants I picked was not flat enough, so the spray paint got underneath most of the leaves, so that was bad. The cardboard was crookedly cut, and had weird texture, and the paint was showing through in places where the spray paint wasn’t thick enough—really bad. I tried evening out the rough cardboard edges with a box cutter, but that just made the shapes more and more uneven and weird looking.

The Verdict:

I think this project is totally doable, if you are not an idiot. If I bought canvas mats at the store, and got enough spray paint, and picked plants that would actually lie flat, and I didn’t glue my fingers together… well, you get the idea.

Also, this is a relatively cheap craft, at about $30 for all the materials, so it is pretty affordable, especially since you get purty stuff to hang on your walls. Unless you do the project like me. I have what my mother would call “Shabby Shit.”  This term is what my mother lovingly calls things that people like to pretend is shabby chic, but really kind of looks like trash. This describes most of my crafty efforts.

So, will I do it again? Definitely. I have leftover supplies, and dogged determination to succeed. 🙂

A few months ago, I spotted a pin on Pinterest that boasted easy DIY Pore Strips that would save you a few bucks, and do the job just as well. I tried it, and this is what happened …

How to do it
The recipe was simple:

1 Packet (1 tablespoon) of unflavored gelatin
1.5 to 2 tablespoons of milk (any kind)

-Mix the gelatin and milk in a microwavable container until you achieve a chunky consistency
-Microwave mixture for about 10 seconds (or until creamy)
-Stir it up a bit and then put it all over your face–this stuff starts to become jello-y fast, so you don’t want to waste any time.
-Once the stuff hardens, peel away, and magic will happen!

*Note-I had a helluva time finding the non-flavored jello–I didn’t realize I needed to look in the baking section, not necessarily the “Jello” section.

How it went down
I would first like to just say, man, did this stuff stink. Once you start smearing this stuff all over your face, you really get a whiff–it kind of reminded me of vomit. I figured the stench would be well worth the awesome face I was going to have after I finished.

This was before the mask hardened … before my innocence was lost

So there I was, happily slopping this stinky stuff all over my face, accidentally including my eyelids, something I truly regretted a few minutes later. The stuff became quite stiff in a matter of minutes, causing one eyelid to become plastered open, while the other was sealed shut. This actually turned out to be the least of my worries.

I ended up feeling my way to the bathroom–I tried to wipe the open eye clean, but ended up only getting some of it off, causing my eyelid to freeze in a half open, glazed over look–and decided to try to peel the stuff off.

This is when things got real. The pain was swift and steady. I started on a cheek, which was probably the least painful part of the process. It felt like fire.

As you can see from the smile on my face, the procedure was painless and fun.

You would think it wouldn’t be too painful around the chin/neck–NOT TRUE. Also, contrary to my previous beliefs, I totally have lady sideburns, and they totally were painfully ripped out as I tried to remove the goo from the sides of my face.

Every strip of goo I pulled off revealed angry, red, hairless skin. After alternating between slow, gentle tugs, to quick rips, my nose and eyes began to smart involuntarily. It was crazy painful.

This is when it went from real to serious. I had reached the upper half of my face, and my eyes were angry. As it turns out, your eyelids are quite sensitive, and they don’t like having smelly jello ripped off of them.

After taking short breaks, I got a little angry, and just started wildly ripping off the goo as fast as I could. I just didn’t care anymore. A few tears and eyelashes later, the job was done.

OK, so my face didn’t look quite this bad, but you get the idea.

The Verdict
Was it cheap and easy to make? Yup.

Did it work?

Well, here’s the thing: While my face was really smooth, I didn’t really feel like it cleaned out my pores. It just ripped out all of my peach fuzz and gave my face a lovely, blotchy-red glow. I didn’t even get the satisfaction of looking at a forest of gunk from the left over goo, like you do when you buy the real pore strips.

Let’s also not forget that it hurts more than I could have imagined, and smells like death.

Will I try it again?

Probably. Heck, I’m kind of prone to making mistakes, and I still have leftover stuff, so I’ll probably wind up forgetting just how bad the pain really was, and go for it.

If you try it though, just remember:

-Don’t put it on your eye lids or near your eyebrows
-Don’t put it anywhere near your hairline
-Don’t put it on your neck
-Don’t put it on too thick

Good luck!